My wife recently took a much-deserved weekend off for a personal retreat, thereby entrusting me with the lives of my two awesome little dudes.

I survived... (and lived to write about it).

We actually had a blast, but never in a million years did I think I'd ever need to utter these words to any male human. Oh the JOY of being a dad!

If you're a dad, you know where I'm about to go. If you're not yet a dad, don't worry, it's coming!  In the mean time, you should accustom yourself to statements like these because it will become the soundtrack of your life!  

So for your benefit, here are 12 THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY, UNTIL I HAD BOYS.

1. No. No. You have to drink from the bottle buddy. My breast does NOT do that!
2. It's called Bacon. Yes. It's one of the things we THANK Jesus for.
3. Who flushed my toothbrush down the toilet?!?
4. Your poop is Green because you won't eat anything but Lucky Charms!"
5. NO. You can not climb back into my belly button!
6. Please take that bra OFF your head.
7. Mom JUST showered you! Why does your hair smell like apple sauce?
8. Hey...hey.... you have to hold your pee-pee straight and point it towards the toilet...sloooowwly.."
9. No. You can’t watch one more episode of Mickey Mouse clubhouse! No. You can’t give mommy another kissy-kiss. And No. You can’t play one more round of bouncy-bounce with your brother! GO TO SLEEP NOW!
10. Stop eating the banana peel and EAT THE BANANA!
11. Sorry buddy, but you can't shower WITH your blanket.
12. "I LOVE YOU BOTH MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!....Except for mommy, she's hot!"

And there you have it!

The joys of daddyhood!