False SEXpectations

Everything seems to scream sex these days! Face it, we now live in a world where sex permeates just about every aspect of our culture, from TikTok videos to the plotlines of our favorite TV shows, it's hard to escape the constant bombardment of sexual imagery.

Sex has become the ultimate goal, the pinnacle of human experience. Everywhere we turn, we're told that if we can just find (and get in bed with) that perfect partner or attain that new sexy look, our lives will finally be complete.

But as I reflected on this cultural obsession with sex, I couldn't help but notice that it's nothing new. In fact, as I delved into the music of my day, I realized that artists from decades past were singing the same tune. From the soulful crooners of the 90s to the chart-topping R&B groups, it seems that the message has always been the same: SEX SELLS!

I took a quick trip down memory lane considering the soundtrack of my teen years – Jodeci's yearning for intimacy in "Freek'n You," Boyz II Men's desire to "Make Love to You," and En Vogue's sultry promise to "Give Him Something He Can Feel." Even Color Me Badd boldly declared their intentions to "Sex You Up," while 112 offered to get intimate "Anywhere" and everywhere.

Apparently, “sex sells” isn’t a new trend.

The narrative that is NOT being sold, however, is that sex, when enjoyed in the context that God created it for, leads to greater intimacy between a man and his wife, and even in one’s relationship with God!

In this blog post based on the account in Genesis 29, I want to look at how three individuals went about sex the wrong way, and from their failings, learn this big idea:

SEX IS MOST MEANINGFUL WHEN YOU’RE FIRST SATISFIED IN GOD.

This story in Genesis 29 revolves around the Jewish patriarch, Jacob, his first wife, Leah, and her father, Laban. From them, we’ll see and learn that about the three wrong places to go looking for sexual fulfillment; three wrong places YOU may have attempted to look in…

• Physical Attraction   

• Casual Sex

• Romantic Fantasies   

First thing you need to understand when we meet Jacob in Genesis 29 is that he’s carrying some deep-seated insecurities and past hurts. He comes from a family where dad favored his older twin brother over him. His very name, “Jacob” is slang for saying, “He lies and cheats”, which says much about how he was viewed in his family.

In fact, the reason he’s at the location we find him in Genesis 29 is because his brother threatened to kill him and he’s had to flee from everything and everyone he’s ever known.

So, when we get to verse 15 of Genesis 29, Jacob is DESPERATE FOR CONNECTION (with anything, anybody). He has resettled with his uncle, Laban who takes him in as a kind of charity case. Jacob, however, proves to be quite the industrious shepherd. Laban figures out that he can make a ton of cash if Jacob were in charge of his sheep herd, and that brings to the first of three wrong places where Jacob goes searching for fulfillment…

1. PHSYICAL ATTRACTION - GENESIS 29:15-20

“After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, 15 Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be.” 16 Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. 17 Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. 18 Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” 19 Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.”

What this passage doesn’t mention is that Rachel is actually the first person Jacob runs into when he first arrives in town. The Hebrew text describes Rachel as beautiful and goes out of its way to detail that she had a great figure.

So, when Jacob sees her, he’s not thinking of how godly she is or what great character she has. He is smitten by her physical beauty. He is lovesick and overwhelmed by his physical attraction to her. So much so that a month later, he offers to do something that anyone in his or her right mind wouldn’t have considered. In exchange for her hand in marriage, he offers to work for her father, Laban for 7 years.

The normal going rate for brides for someone in Jacob’s position would have been about a year and a half’s worth of salary, so 7 years worth of labor is quite a ridiculous amount to pay for a bride. But remember the emotional condition Jacob arrives in at Laban’s house. He’s on the run and is far removed from everyone he’s known and loved. Add to that the fact that his dad favored his brother over him and we have ourselves a very lonely man who’s DESPERATE FOR CONNECTION! 

So, when he lays eyes on a woman scripture describes as having a, “lovely figure and was beautiful”; that’s good enough for him and he’s ready to GRAB his TROPHY WIFE and start making babies.

In fact, we see this fixation on her physical beauty play out at the end of his 7 years when he returns to Laban and says in verse 21, “Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”

In the Hebrew , Jacob’s language in v.21 is unusually bold, graphic, and sexual, even for that era. Can you imagine some your future son in law approaching you on the morning of your daughter’s wedding day and making that request?

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone you consider gorgeous, B.U.T if your hope for a fulfilling relationship lies SIMPLY in a strong physical attraction or in a “spark” between you and someone you’re attracted to, scripture says you will be disappointed. 

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting…” What that means is that a few years from the point of attraction, aging and gravity will begin to assert their rights and those curves that initially captivated you will begin to expand, and six-pack abs will gradually turn into gallons.

In a commencement speech a few months before his suicide, American writer and university instructor, David Foster Wallace says this about our culture's idolization of beauty:

“… If you worship your body and beauty and sexual allure, you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you.”

— David Foster Wallace

The truth is, there have been more sorrow, more pain, and more cries of angst that have happened in the lives of men and women whose relationship was founded SIMPLY on the physical attraction that sparked between them.

So, what does finding satisfaction in God look like with this?

I read the first half of Proverbs 31:30 to you, let me read the rest. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” So, rather than just physical beauty, look for someone with a good name.

Before you put all your eggs in their basket, find out what’s the word on the street about their relationship with God? Physical attraction should always be held in check by the godly character of the person to whom you’re attracted. Godly character will last a lifetime long after aging and gravity changes one’s physical appearance.

This also holds true if you’re already married. The more you chase after godly character, the more attractive you actually become to your spouse, the more enjoyable your married sex life can be.

BIG IDEA: SEX IS MOST MEANINGFUL WHEN YOU’RE FIRST SATISFIED IN GOD.

The second of three wrong places WE go searching for romantic fulfillment …

2. CASUAL SEX – GENESIS 29:21-28

Unfortunately for Jacob, Laban has picked up on his fixation and lovesickness with Rachel, and he has decided he is going to take advantage of the situation.

On Jacob and Rachel’s wedding day, as was customary, there’s a huge party and verse 23 says, “But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her… 25 When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?” 26 Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. 27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.” 28 And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife.’

Now’s a good time to meet Rachel’s older sister, Leah who we were introduced to earlier in verse 17 as having “…weak eyes.” Whatever it is that verse means, in comparison to her stunningly gorgeous sister, Leah could easily be overlooked.

Laban knows this and has apparently not been able to find a man who will marry her or offer money for her. In a lovesick Jacob, however, he found the solution to his dilemma. Later into the wedding night when plenty of adult beverages would have been flowing, Laban brings Leah instead of Rachel to Jacob, and Jacob consummates his marriage with the wrong sister.

Regardless of how you may feel about Leah and Jacob at this point, let’s be clear that Laban is the guilty party here, and the architect of this deception.

For Laban, sex was a casual means to a selfish end, leaving both Jacob and Leah with more heartache than when they began.

And that’s what our hookup culture that encourages casual sexual encounters isn’t telling you - the bait and switch nature of lust. It promises satisfaction and connection, but leaves you with heartache, shame, and loneliness; and in Jacob’s case, 7 years of slavery (…because he has to work for 7 additional years for Rachel!).

So, what does finding satisfaction in God look like IN PLACE OF CASUAL SEX? Well for one, it means rejecting casual sex.

Song of Solomon 8:4 says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” That means there’s a time and place when the architect who created sex designed it to used in!

That means you can enjoy the gift of sex STARTING on your wedding day. And when you get to that day, the same Song of Solomon would say ONE of the keys to enjoying a godly sex life in marriage is ATTENTIVENESS & COMMUNICATION.

The married couple in chapter 4 of the Song of Solomon is in bed chitchatting each other through their wedding night and INSTRUCTING EACH OTHER on what makes the other person satisfied. 

Solomon understood that sex doesn’t start at night in bed. It starts at the beginning of the week when you’re being a gentleman to your wife all week; because the way she experiences intimacy is through what she thinks and feels.

One author expresses it well when he writes this to the guys, “You can’t expect your wife to make love to you like your lover when she has to treat you like your mother all week long!”  So, fellas, you are never more sexy to your wife than when you’re caring for her the way SHE NEEDS you to!

The third of three wrong places we go searching for fulfillment … 

3. ROMANTIC FANTASIES – GENESIS 29:30-35 (From Leah’s perspective)

Verse 30, “Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years. When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless.”

So, our poor Leah has gone from the daughter her father tries to get rid of to the wife her husband doesn’t really want. It literally says in v.31, “…Leah was not loved.” So, she is desperate for a romantic story of her own and begins to scheme a new narrative, a romantic fantasy of sorts where her husband falls in love with her.

She begins to use sex, and childbearing as a tool to try to win Jacob’s love. Unfortunately, her plans don’t pan out because with each birth, she ends up sinking into a deeper hell of loneliness. The name she gives each of her sons from verse 32-35 tells us much about her emotional state:

• In v.32 she names Reuben, which means, “Behold a son!” In that culture, bearing a son for your husband is how you prove your worth

• But apparently that didn’t work and Jacob still didn’t show her the love she wanted because she names child number two, Simeon because she says in v.33, “The Lord heard that [she] was unloved and [gave her] another son.” (Simeon means, “To hear”)

• Once again, giving Jacob baby number two still didn’t buy his affection because she conceives again and names baby 3, Levi because she says in v.34, “Surely this time my husband will feel affection for me, since I have given him three sons!” (Joined/attached)

Once again, her attempts to manipulate his affections do not work and she has to watch her husband remain cuddled in the arms of the sister whose shadow she has lived her whole life.

While this is clearly a sad story for Leah, there’s also hope because she finally got to a point where she realized that her fulfillment and satisfaction would never be found in the arms of a man, but in YAHWEH.

I say that because verse 35 says, “She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.”

Do you notice anything different between this child’s name and the three other boys? There’s no mention of a husband. There’s no longer any reliance on any man or child to give her a sense of identity and purpose; in fact, there’s defiance in her tone – “THIS TIME! Imma praise the LORD”

Here are its implications for finding your satisfaction in God:

UNTIL you root your identity in the fact that you are deeply loved by God, you will keep looking for connection in all the wrong places (and you’ll never find it in any one night stand).

You must find peace, fulfillment and satisfaction in the truth that THE ISSUE OF YOUR VALUE, THE ISSUE OF YOUR WORTH HAS ALREADY BEEN SETTLED AT THE CROSS. In spite of all your shortcomings, God considered you loveable enough to send His Son to die on the cross for your sins so that you’d be made eternally RIGHT with God.

Whether you’re married or single, find your satisfaction in THAT TRUTH and embrace it with your whole heart on your best days and on your loneliest of days.

May YAHWEH be mightily present with you, may HE take delight in you with gladness. With His love, may YAHWEH calm all your fears, and may YAHWEH rejoice over you with joyful songs! 

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