Identifying the Strongholds in Your Life (Pt.2. - Father Wounds and Blessings)

What is a lesson you learned from your father?

It could be philosophically profound or lighthearted. What is something your dad said to you that, even many years later, still replays in your mind? Recently, there was an online challenge where Tonight’s Show host, Jimmy Fallon asked people to send in their best Dad Quotes and/or lessons they learned from dad.

The responses did not disappoint. Let me read you a few:

• The first guy recalls a conversation he had with his father about dating. His father told him, “Son, you keep saying she’s beautiful and out of your league. Listen, let women figure out on their own why they won’t date you. Don’t do it for them!”

• One lady, reflecting on how much she missed her dad recalled something funny her dad used to say and do. She writes, “My dad would look in the mirror, turn to me and say, ‘It’s hard to improve on perfection!’”

• This last quote sounds humorous, but when one considers how addictive behavior can be perpetuated in a family tree, the statement has a more profound impact. This last guy wrote, “After the first time I got drunk, my father told me to be very careful. He said, “Son, alcoholism doesn’t run in the family, it gallops!”

Our father’s words, for better or worse can have a profound impact on our lives. In fact, for many of us, our lives and our worldview have been significantly shaped by our relationship with our fathers. That is mostly because OUR EARTHLY FATHERS ARE OUR FIRST IMAGE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE GOD THE FATHER IS TRULY LIKE.

Many of us end up projecting on God attributes that we saw in our earthly fathers. So, if a dad was caring, PRESENT, patient, and involved in a child’s life, it almost always follows that that person will believe that God has the same traits. But if a father was harsh, ABSENT, demanding, and a bit of a dictator, chances are that child may have a hard time perceiving God as a loving, caring Father (and may have a hard time drawing close to God as Father).

Even if your father was not physically present in the home when you were growing up, his ABSENCE impacts your life just the same. Or even worse, he may have been physically present, but emotionally absent.

A FATHER’S PRESENCE (or lack thereof) CAN MAKE A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE IN A CHILD’S LIFE.

In their book, “Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership”, authors Gary McIntosh and Samuel Rima point out that, among other things:

“Ambition. Perfectionism. Insecurity. Overeating. Compulsive spending, alcoholism, and even extreme exercise, are some of the common signs that find their roots in the lack of affirmation received from a father.”

Ironically, three of America’s past presidents had lives that were radically impacted by their strained relationships with their fathers. Bill Clinton, John Kennedy, and Abraham Lincoln spent a good portion of their young adult lives trying to get out from under the shadow of their fathers and TO SHOW THEM THAT THEY HAD WHAT IT TAKES.

In the book, “Seeds of Destruction” by biographer, Ralph Martin writes that:

“What mattered most to the four sons [of Joseph Kennedy] in their early years, was their competition for the love and applause of the father.”

THERE ARE TWO THINGS A CHILD WANTS TO AND NEEDS TO HEAR FROM THEIR DADS ABOVE ALL ELSE, and I will show it to you from a story in the scriptures.

In Mark 1:9-12, this is at the inauguration of Jesus’ ministry where He comes to John the Baptist to be baptized. This was a Messianic, priestly ordination service because in a few moments, He’s going to be led into the desert for a forty-day fast where He would be tempted by Satan in a most vulnerable condition.

So, this baptism is critical and important because of who shows up. Starting in verse 9, “At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. 10 Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. 11 And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” 12 At once the Spirit sent him out into the wilderness…”

This is one of the few places where we see the Trinity pictured working together. What I want to point out here is the voice of God the Father from heaven. Did you hear it? “This my son whom I love… and with whom I am well pleased!”

THIS WAS A DECLARATION OF AFFECTION AND AFFIRMATION FROM THE FATHER TO THE SON.

Think about the timing of this statement. This was at the onset of Jesus ministry. Jesus’ hadn’t yet done any work. He hasn’t even picked His disciples, yet the Father fully approves of Him and validates His person and His mission.

Most of us fathers only affirm our children AFTER they have performed to our liking; yet we see God demonstrating for us what a true Father blessing looks like.

I love this quote from Dr. McKay Caston, he says:

“The Son would not have to earn the Father’s love or approval. It was a blessing that would be the foundation of Jesus’ calling. If there is one thing he could count on as a suffering servant, who was rejected by men, it was that he was dearly loved and valued by his Father.”

I am by no means a perfect father, and quite frankly I get it wrong more times than I get it right. But there are a few bright spots in my parenting I can look back on that I am proud of. When my oldest son was younger, after I’d express that I love him, he would often ask me, “Why?”

I knew then that whatever answer I gave him would be what he would strive to achieve his whole life because that would be the secret key to my approval, so I had to be careful. Fortunately, because I had worked through some of my own daddy issues at the time, I would respond to him, “I love you because God gave you to me as a gift!” That is a love my son never has to earn or work for. It’s an affirmation and approval that comes from His Heavenly Father that is filtered through his earthly father.

SO, WHAT TWO WORDS DO YOUR KIDS NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE?

• I LOVE YOU.

• I AM PROUD OF YOU.

THESE TWO STATEMENTS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR CHILDREN! Let me clarify. They need to hear this from you BEFORE, not AFTER they are excelling at whatever it is they are doing.

A common pushback I get from some wounded fathers is, “What if my kid is just a homewrecker and utter failure? Would that not be encouraging his behavior?”

NO IT DOESN’T. When you speak those words into their lives, you are affirming their personhood, not their behavior. You can love your child and still discipline them. In fact, the Bible would make the argument that your discipline of your child is an act of love because of what you will save them from later (Hebrews 12:5-8).

To be honest, from pastoral experience, what I have observed is that most kids end up in that unruly place BECAUSE they never or rarely received those affirmations in the first place!

So, as you turn your attention back to your families after reading this post, practice and say out loud these two important statements that your kids most desperately long to hear you speak:

• I love you.

• I am proud of you.

Now, some of you are wondering about the state of your own heart. If you grew up in a home where dad never affirmed you or approval was conditional, how do YOU heal from that?

4 WAYS TO FIND HEALING FROM A FATHER WOUND AND EXPERIENCE A FATHER BLESSING.

If there are some deep emotional wounds between you and your father, the first thing you need to keep in mind is this:

One: YOU WILL FIRST NEED TO FORGIVE YOUR EARTHLY FATHER WHO WOUNDED YOU IN ORDER TO RECEIVE HEALING FROM YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER WHO LOVES YOU.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

If you don’t, that bitterness that you’re carrying will creep into every other relationship and initiative in your life and you will end up trying to please dad, or disprove him all the days of your life!

Two: INITIATE A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN OLDER GODLY MENTOR (OLDER IN AGE AND MATURE IN FAITH).

Author and pastor Rob Reimer used to say, ““If a key mentor links up with you at the right time in life, that relationship makes up for a lifetime of deficits.”

It takes a man to speak into a man’s life. So, we want to gather men around you to speak into your life. These men have walked with the LORD and seen/experienced things that you are yet to encounter. You will need their counsel to finish the race! (Timothy had Paul. Elisha had Elijah. Moses had Jethro).

1 Corinthians 11:1 says we are to follow their examples as they follow Christ!

Three: TAKE SOME TIME AND PONDER GOD’S LOVE FOR YOU.

It is so critical that you get this next point, because the deeper you let it sink into your heart, the quicker you will experience freedom from any personal father wounds you’ve been carrying and begin to experience the affirmation of the Father blessing.

THE SAME LOVE THAT GOD THE FATHER HAS FOR JESUS CHRIST IS THE SAME LOVE THAT GOD HAS FOR YOU.   

In His High Priestly prayer in John 17:23, Jesus prays that, “… the world will know that [God sent Him] and [has] loved [us] even [in the same way that the Father loved Him].”

We sometimes have this notion that God’s LOVE and approval of our personhood is conditioned on our behavior.  In other words, “If I do certain things, then I can get God to come through for me.”

How many of you have ever thought, after having a “bad” day where you stumbled back into some old ungodly behaviors that you’ve forfeited God’s favor? Listen, as a follower of Jesus Christ, you are not only saved by grace, but you are sustained each day of your life by that same grace.

That is what Romans 3:20-22 is getting at when it says, “For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin. 21 But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— 22 the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe.” 

When you come to God in prayer seeking His favor and His blessings, God does NOT examine your performance in the last 24 hours to see if you are worthy. Rather, GOD LOOKS TO SEE IF YOU ARE TRUSTING IN THE MERIT, THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF HIS SON AS YOUR ONLY HOPE OF PRESENTING YOU FAULTLESS BEFORE HIS THRONE! 

Four: UNPACK YOUR FATHER BAGGAGE (GENOGRAM):

Follow this link and PRINT OUT THIS GENOGRAM WORKSHEET. I’ll sum up below two main questions that will prove helpful for you to pray through, think through, and work through.

1. What narrative scripts, relational patterns, habits, beliefs, values, and blessings from your family history (from dad specifically) do you want to STOP carrying in your life going forward. Part of how you break free from those is going through these 4 points I just discussed; but it starts by you identifying what they are!

2. What narrative scripts, relational patterns, habits, beliefs, values, and blessings from your family history (from dad specifically) do you want to continue carrying in your life going forward. You need to have an idea in your mind what kind of man you want to be, what kind of children you want to raise, and what kind of legacy you want to leave behind.

I leave you with this prayer blessing:

 God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Father in heaven, help me to weave a tapestry of love and not hate in my children, a spirit of patience and a caring heart. God help me to sow seeds of peace and justice in my children’s hearts today, one that will outlast me and result in generations that will come after me!

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